So fuck this, I never ever ever rant about anything, but this time I can’t and won’t hold it no more. And honestly I dont care if somebody reads it, it’s a looooooot of rant… I just wanna get it out.
Fuck, everything started a couple of years ago when after being in a tremendous fight with my boyfriend atm, he decided we should stop seeing each other. I had been holding an online long-distance relationship with a friend, that eventually became really special and romantic, but never to the point of sexual. Looking back on it, the only thing I wanted was someone who could understand me and the way I feel and to be able to be close to that person; much of a platonic love in its purest form.
Anyway, my boyfriend found out, freaked out, treated me horribly, and you know what? I did it out of loneliness, cuz truth be told, the only thing we ever did together was go to my room, fuck akwardly and automaticly afterwards he would disregard any other activity that was not playing videogames, either on his console or his phone, whatever. Compared to my friend who would be waiting for me online way after sleeping time, or at work, read my issues, share his, share music, art, literature, he loved my same favorite books, we knew exactly how thw other was feeling and when, we had the same dreams about each other, we did magick together.
So after that I came into a crisis and I shaved my whole head, threw away the ginger mane and got rid of big part of my attention needy ego. Cried for several days since I called my boyfriend and he chose to ignore me. So I decided I needed to get over it and put myself together (I couldn’t talk about this to anyone). After a few days when I recovered my good optimistic mood, boyfriend comes again and we talk in my roof. I told him I understood his position and I apologied for lying, but I thought he was right and we needed our space and time, but we could still be friends if he wanted to. He started crying and asked me to please come back to beign his partner. I said yes.
Like a month or two after that he had a big fight with his parents and came a night to my house with a couple of suitcases with his clothes. My parents took him in, and he installed in a separate room of course. I cared less and sneaked on him at night, then came back to my room before dawn. Everything was feeling fine, I had my hopes back.
So ending September 2012 my mom tells me that I am pregnant. I say no, Im using anticonceptives and condoms. She says, she’s not asking me, she knows. So I go to the doctor, take a pregnancy test that tells you how many weeks you have. Results come out positive, and I have a 5 week old baby. I think it makes sense, since that’s around the time my boyfriend has been living here.
So I told him and it’s half a joy, half a shock. Normal, we’re both 19 and his parents don’t even want to know I exist. So we tell my dad, we move in to the same room and have the great idea to get married, because you know, that’s the only way to procede, have a family and all, this is the correct thing to do.
I go to the next doctor’s appointment, and thru the ultrasound I find, oh my, your baby is definately NOT five weeks but six months. I have had my period coming normally all this time. I feel so weird, so confused, I have carried a baby inside all this time, I took LSD, Ayahuasca, tons of weed and drank like a sailor. CRAP. But at this point the only thing I can do is hope baby comes out fine against all odds. Still not comfortable with the idea, took me weeks to accept it.
In the meantime we start gathering baby stuff, saving up, planning to wed by civil thingy only, just with one or two witnesses, I wanna get over this as fast as I can. He tells his parents at last, like in November, and we had planned the wedding for december. They change their opinion 360 degrees. Suddenly I get constant gifts from them and get invited to lunch every sunday.
So wedding day draws closer and my dad won’t let this pass without making a party, at least for a few friends and the family, I don’t want to. Party gets done anyway. Most akward day in my life so far; my family is pissed at me, there is no booze for anyone, some friends from work come over, my sister’s boyfriend, two of best friends Tony and Jose; but my best friends are nowhere to be seen.
I gave birth to a gorgeuos milk-white baby, with deep blue eyes who does not cry a lot, stares into me and made me fall in love so inmediately and irreversibly, like thunder parting me. And I was happy after a long time. My life took a meaning, all that I went thru before was nothing. For those three days I was tired but in bliss, I was glad I was married, I had a daughter more beautiful than anything in the universe and I could do something for my life (I had stopped going to college for lack of money).
But happiness is a warm gun. On the third day she was born I woke up to her cry and fed her, but she wouldnt calm down, so I put her into bed between me and daddy. She stopped crying but kept on breathing heavily. Some hours after she resumed the crying but this time she did not stop until five am. My mom and grandma helped but I noticed we needed to take her to the hospital since she was dehidrated, and by this time she only panted for air. I woke my husband up and my parents took us to the national hospital where a friend of theirs is chief for pediatrics emergency. She had a heart condition and pneumonia wich complicated everything. The heart condition could be solved safely with surgery but had to wait until she was at least six months old, and the pneumonia made all her defeses down. By the end of the day I returned home with no baby in my arms and a shattered soul. She had to stay on intensive care till further notice. And so passed an eternity (or the most horrible 15 days of my life) getting as high as I could so the pain receded some, going to see her everyday in what the doctors called a craddle (was this big magnetic resonance-like machine with some blankets on, and temperature controller), all wired up, with needles feeding her, probes measuring her pulse and heartbeat. She would swell up by parts, they said she retained liquids and was having renal issues because of the medicine they where giving her. I cried everyday, doctors told me she was getting better one day, the next she got worse, the next one better. I wished something happened desperately, either let her live or let her die, but please stop this.
And eventually, after 15 days, I woke up in the morning to know she passed away. Multi organic failure. Everything happened so fast. Next moment Im in the hospital signing papers; the moms from the other kids on intensive aske me how is she doing. I just cant stop crying.
Velatory, my friends come over this time, not all of the tho. Funeral the next day. I can’t understand anything, ppl tell me to let go, pain will pass. It does, actually, you just need to take some time and expand your consciousness.
I took Ayahuasca again. I met with the spirit of she who had been my daughter in this life of mine. She (honestly I can’t really apply a she or he denomination for this spiritual form, it is beyond gender) showed me for how many lives we had been together, as husband and wife, as student and master, as friends and siblings, mother and child, and this time she incarnated after a long time to cause a radical impact not only to me and my husband but to a lot of people I didnt even know. I noticed when she was still at hospital, I had a message from a girl in facebook saying she knew about my baby and wanted to help us by organizing a music festival and gifting us what they collected from the tickets. Another person had raised funds from their church. I was even called by a cardiologist who offered free surgery when needed. The pained blinded so much I didn’t pay much attention to that until after. I understood the need for this pain in my life for a grater scheme my own spirit was devicing; I understood I had to heal myself and my relationship with the people surrounding me. Made me humble facing death, which is indispensable for existence.
But my problems came again when in the middle of my depression my old friend popped out of nowhere into my inbox againl, asked me how was I doing, asked me about my baby, since he didnt know about what happened. I could not deny my love for him, but I didnt want to make mistakes again. I told my husband I talked to him again, and honestly I couldnt avoid the romance… ah its confusing. He was goig thru harsh times too, his mom died, his dad abandoned him and his two brothers. My husband was increasingly jealuos, I was increasingly foolish, until one day I left my fb open on his phone and he started reading all my conversations with my friend, and confronted me about it until I suspected and changed my password. So there we went again, and after endless fighting I agreed to stop talking to him, delete him from fb, say a cruel goodbye with my husband watching and keep showing him the window every week so he was sure I was not being unloyal. And so I kept feeling more and more terrible, guilty of everything that had happened since two years before. My husband became cold and harsh, I kept trying to prove my worthiness. No money for psychologists. I endured all his anger and frustration, he would get mad at me for nothing in particular, blamed me for not spending time watching him play whatever, staying at home cause the exams for college had been during our time at the hospital and I was in no sane emotional condition to work anywhere.
And so 2013 was a complete bitch. At least half of that year.
Now Im way better. Solved most of my couple issues, but still have to work on it. Repent about a lot of stuff. And there is more to rant about but Im tired and I have to do homework.